Assalamualaikum, good people! :)
I am not sure where it begins, but recently I started to feel that I am going nowhere. I do admit that I am the “go with the flow” kind of person, but then, it doesn’t work anymore these days. Something is bothering me. Something about the future, that is forgotten. Something about dreams that never being said and not yet being achieved.
I am grateful enough to Allah SWT for the life He has granted me. I am thankful for having such caring and loving parents, little sister and dearest husband. I am thankful enough for a good life He has granted me with a good permanent job and salary, so that I am able to support my parents and start living my own little family. I believed that this life that I am living in, someone else is wishing for it too. On the other hand, I ever thought of living someone else’s life too. It’s not that I am being ungrateful, but I wanted to spread my wings to betterment, to things I wanted to do, not because I had to do.
Currently, things are monotone. I am walking in a single pathway that leads me to the end. I am following the flow. I am doing what I have to do. I have to work, I have to earn money, I have to build a family, I have to have a house on my own, I have to have a car and the list goes on. The question is, am I really wanted to do so? For the fact that I have to build my own family, it is something I wanted. But for the fact that I have to work in a place that provides no space for me to grow, it’s just something I have to do. I need money. I need to support my family. I need to help my husband. I need to provide strong financial fundamental for my future children. I need to send my parents for Hajj. I need to do things that will make life better. In the end, all of the things on the list require money. Happiness cannot be bought, but most of the times, it came from money.
Then I realize. Am I living my life for money? Am I working 5 days a week, 8 hours a day just because of money? What is my goal? Most of the things I have listed on my life goal are related to money. But what happen to my ambition? What happen to my dreams? What happen about living my life to the fullest? Why am I being such a jerk who will do anything for money? I am that bastard. The one who thinks that life is all about money. I have to do something. Reset my program. Re-setting my life goal.
Deep in my heart, there’s a huge ego growing. A selfish goal that I have been dreaming for myself, that already buried many years ago due to many obstacles, obviously financial issue. I realize that I am not born with a silver spoon, so that’s why I have to take a u-turn from my own dreams and try to live suiting my family condition. I am not blaming God for what happened, I am not saying my parents are not doing good enough, but I am convincing myself that I can make a better change, at least for myself.
Today, I am a 25 years old young lady, who is married to a wonderful husband, who is a daughter of a legendary parents and a future great mother for my children. I need to re-arrange everything. I need to set a new life goal, that will suit current and future condition, that will not any broken heart occur, that will make myself and everyone I love happy. I don’t mind the fact that I might need to start everything from zero again, because in the end, I will be fully satisfied of what am I doing. The process and results does matter. I will start today. I will break my boundaries; I will fly higher than ever. It’s never too late for a change, except we never want to improve our life.